What could be more important on Independence Day than the musings of an Englishman? So here goes…The true story of the War of Independence has, I think, yet to be fully told. I feel, therefore, that I owe it to you all to clue you in properly.
It is not possible to fully grasp what happened in those fateful years of the eighteenth century without understanding something of the traditional British psyche and our almost obsessive desire, out of nothing less than sheer English politeness, to maintain and protect the honour of even our opponents; and the best way for me to describe what I mean by this is with an illustration. Things have, I fear, changed somewhat in the last couple of generations, but there was a time when, should an English gentleman be courting a young lady, his overwhelming motive would, of course, have been only her very best interests. Should, therefore, such a gentleman have concluded that the relationship was not what he actually wanted, and desired to bring it to a close, he would have sought to end it in the only way that could have preserved both the honour and gentile dignity of the young lady he was, so to speak, dumping!.
It was therefore the custom amongst such gentlemen and suitors, who properly understood their standing in the scheme of things as being English, that he would proceed to behave badly toward her. This would not, of course, be because English gentlemen are even actually capable of unfeeling caddish behaviour – heaven forbid, of course not – but rather because pretext was being given the young lady to herself terminate the relationship on the basis of her suitor’s un-gentlemanly and un-English behaviour. Thus would end a relationship which the gentleman himself wished to terminate, but with the appearance that it was the young lady who had spurned him, and on the basis of his dishonourable and bad behaviour no less. Thus have English gentlemen, for time immemorial, protected both the honour and virtue of young ladies around the world.
We can now turn to understanding of the issue at hand. The British, even as far back as the 1700’s, had the duty of safely steering everyone in the world in whatever way in which it was best for them to proceed. It was never easy always knowing what was best for absolutely everyone, but as Englishmen fully committed to the duty bestowed upon us, we rose to the challenge as best we could. And one of the biggest problems we were then facing was the matter of our colonies on the other side of the Atlantic. Like children they were unruly, indeed, opinionated even, and maintaining the necessary rule over them became burdensome in the light of the number of other nations we had to manage and watch over. Though it is little known outside of those of us who have special access to the knowledge of what really happened, the British government of the day decided to find a way to cut the colonies loose and grant independence to them, thus relieving ourselves of the burden of having to so continuously keep them in order. And of course this is where properly understanding the British psyche becomes the key to also understanding the (entirely mis-named) American War of Independence.
As soon as the decision to get shot of the American colonies was taken by the politicians, the generals and army chiefs were assembled in order to work out a plan. How could the goal of granting the colonies independence best be achieved whilst maintaining the appearance that it was they who were throwing off the British yoke, as opposed to it actually being us just wanting to get rid of them because they were always so troublesome? Further, due to English thinkers being the greatest the world has ever seen, our political forecasters were well able to predict future scenarios in which we might one day need America, it having become a rich and powerful nation at its own expense rather than at ours, for all kinds of things, such as protection from other people who didn’t like us very much either. This, coupled with the oh-so English desire to protect the dignity and honour of these nest-bound colonies whom we so wanted to see become an actual fledgeling nation, made it all the more crucial to get them out of our hair in such a way that it looked like it really was them getting rid of us. The plan the British Government came up with was simple: by imposing punitive taxes, and behaving rather un-Englishly badly toward them in various other ways, we would provoke, and then co-ordinate, a revolutionary movement amongst the colonies against our own rule. It was, of course, brilliant! But of course it was! It was an English idea!
Our agents were, of course, already in place, in the deepest cover, in every strata of American life, socially, politically and judicially, and thus, at just the right time, our man in Massachusetts, Samuel Adams, was activated. He immediately began to ferment the necessary fervour against us, and once he had sufficiently stoked the required feelings of rebellion and revolution, the British Prime Minister back in England gave the word, and the next stage of the plan, the Boston Tea Party, was put into motion by the same network of agents of whom Adams was himself a part. There was then only one thing left to do, and it is the clearest of all the evidence for what I am here maintaining, and it was to let the American forces defeat us in battle. It was to make the utterly impossible and inconceivable appear as if it was the case, that a military force, in this case an American one, could defeat the British in battle!
We have always been so glad here in England that we have never had to really seriously kick American butt. We have always liked you far too much to ever want to do such a thing. Indeed, it has been both our honour and privilege to have let you guys think for so long that you could have ever kicked ours. But the truth, as they say, will always eventually out, and I just hope that knowing what really happened doesn’t spoil your 4th July too much.
One last thing: if you believe all that….
…You’ll believe anything!!!
Happy Independence Day!!! Yea!!!
