The more years I spend with the Lord the more struck I am by how few of the many believers I have had to do with understand how sinful and wretched they are. Oh yes, they realised at the point of their conversion that they needed forgiveness so as to make it to Heaven, but what I’m talking about here isn’t that initial conviction of sin when coming to know the Lord in the first place, but rather that increasing awareness and growing knowledge, day by day, week by week, year by year, of not merely the sins of which we have been guilty, but the all-pervading sinfulness of who we are in and of ourselves.
For myself I came to know the Lord as a result of a deep conviction of sin quite out of the blue and immediately cried out to be forgiven, truly desiring to follow the Lord in utter earnestness. It was a deep and genuine conviction of sin, of that there is no doubt, and it caused me to be completely undone before both Heaven and earth, but as years of discipleship passed I began to realise more and more that it had been merely the tip of an almost infinite iceberg. I came to see more and more clearly that my biggest ongoing problem as a disciple of the Lord wasn’t merely my sins, but rather my sheer unbridled sinfulness!
But don’t think for one moment that I’m talking about a Christian life lived in some kind of unremitting self-condemnation! Heavens no! Quite the contrary, in fact! Jesus made the point in regards to a woman of dubious reputation that to be forgiven much is to precisely love much! (Luke 7:36-50) And of course that is the key! The more one realises one’s utter sinfulness and depravity of both heart and will, the more one drinks in the sheer wonder of the Lord’s grace and love that took Him to the cross to die for it all. The more sinful I realise I am the more I appreciate His grace, forgiveness and acceptance, and the more I experience the unbounded love my Father in Heaven has for me. I cannot tell you how sad I am for the sinfulness of who I am, and that the Lord of glory had to suffer so greatly because of it; but neither can I tell you how happy I am that not only does such condition not come between us, it is actually the very means He uses to keep me hanging on to Him for dear life, and to keep me living closely to Him in ongoing repentance and trust.
The single greatest factor that accounts for the weakness and sheer worldliness of modern western Christianity is simply this: that so few believers understand and realise just how sinful and wicked they are! They conduct their discipleship in blissful ignorance of, and blindness to, the endless swathes of sin and self in their lives which the Holy Spirit wishes to deliver them from, but to which they hardly give a second thought, or judge themselves concerning. Selfishness, pride, materialism, presumption, resentment, un-forgiveness, slander, unkindness, dishonesty….and so the list could go on! I have known so many believers down the years for whom such things remain second nature, yet who reject entirely any thought that such is the nature of their character, let alone showing willingness to be honest and to actually come clean and repent. Not for them one of the most important prayers in the whole of scripture through which King David cried out to the Lord, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23-24)
The more we truly taste of our sinfulness, and allow the Holy Spirit to search us and reveal all that is in us which isn’t of Him, the less we will even desire to be unkind, or cruel, or dishonest, or greedy for gain, and for the simple reason that to know how infinitely much we have been forgiven leads to the inevitable increase of love for both the Lord and our fellow man. As surely as night follows day, he who is forgiven much will love much. Yet the converse is equally true! And the reason so many believers are so unloving (and I’m talking here about real love, not just the ‘nicey-nicey–never-doing-anything-that-could-possibly-upset-anyone’ version) is because they haven’t been forgiven very much because they don’t think they’re sinful enough to particularly warrant it.
Show me a man who sorrows daily before the Lord for his sinfulness and I will show you a peaceful and contented man who lives close to Him and who can therefore be trusted in every possible way. And should this make the reader aware of any lack in their lives regarding this, then let me suggest that you get before the Lord and ask Him to truly show you the sin He wishes to deal with in you. I guarantee you some very difficult times indeed if you do, but I guarantee you too a walk with the Lord you never even guessed was on offer!